SO, the other day I was channel surfing and came across a Dr. Phil episode where men were complaining about how child support was negatively impacting their lives. I couldn't help but to stop and think of my endless journey with the child support system. My story:
I got married way to early in life, at the age of 19, due to me getting pregnant and wanting to do what I thought to be the "right" thing at the time. We divorced some years later, and I became a single parent with a 3-year-old and 10-month old. I had the children. He was ordered to pay $550 (or something like that) in child support. I have never seen that amount. Our children are now 15 (almost 16) and 13. My ex-husband owes $28 thousand and some odd change in support arrears.
I am not saying he NEVER paid, as I did receive an amount of $12.50 every two weeks from him for about a year. There is an active case against him. He was on the "most wanted" listed for biggest offenders for not paying child support. He lost his license. he had his bank account seized, and the child support enforcement agency brought 32 counts of contempt against him. He was given a public defender and nothing happened. Our children know nothing about the support issue. They have continued a relationship with him. I have never interfered with them seeing him and have paid more of the visitation cost than he has in order to facilitate their relationship with him. I would never call him a "bad" father....only incredibly irresponsible in terms of supporting them.
I have supported our children. I put myself through school. I've worked and made sure their needs were met. I remarried and am now a mother to 5 children. Two years ago, we moved to a different state. I discussed this with my ex-husband. I took our common daughter with us, and he kept our son under the promise that he was able to provide for all of his needs without public assistance. I continued to send my son $100 a month for spending money, as I knew his father did not have a lot. I paid to visit him every 3 months and brought our daughter with us to see her father. I covered his school needs. My ex-husband did nothing to provide for our daughter that lived with me.
So, a year ago last December I was contacted by the child support agency in the area my ex-husband and son lived. He supposedly began collecting welfare shortly after my son came to live with him, and they were seeking support from me. I was a bit confused, as I thought that since I had our daughter, it would cancel out. Well, it would usually, but because he was receiving welfare, it did not matter. I understood this, as either way, my son needed to be financially care for. I contacted them and came to a settlement amount with them; however, I was irritated because he stated he could care for him but couldn't and owed me $28,000 and some change for 11 years of negligence. My son came to live with me one month later, as he needed to be provided for (and because I missed him terribly). His father continued to collect welfare for 5 months after my son left.
I found this out after receiving another notice that I had past due support from January to May that needed to be paid and still had an ongoing monthly amount to pay. Well, I was perplexed because my ex-husband was to go off of welfare when our son left his home. We even agreed that I would not ask support for a length of time, so he could "get on his feet".....and for the fact that I have given up on receiving help from him.
Anyways, I contacted the child support office. I was told to fax them school enrollment information for my son to prove I had him in my home, and they would credit the account and stop the order. Well, I thought this was all well and good until our bank account was seized last August for support I supposedly owed to his father and the county of San Diego. They didn't get all of the money they wanted because we have only a little in the bank, but it did cause 6 transactions to bounce and $300 in bank fees. I called them and said WAIT....I gave you proof that he lived with me, as you told me to. Yah....well I guess that rep. gave bad advice because they said they did have the proof, and were aware of the circumstances, but it didn't matter without a court order and were set to recoup the welfare he collected.
TO CLARIFY: They are aware that my son lived with me from January until the present. They are aware that his father has illegally stayed on welfare. They do not care. I was told that either way, they wanted the county repaid and that is all they care about. They know it is not my fraud. They do not care and stated the only way to straighten it out is to hire an attorney. I borrowed the money to go out to San Diego and handle the matter. I waited with my infant for the legal help for 5 hours and was told that I would need to pay a filing fee, get a court date, and return to court in about 3 months. Well, hell, that would end up costing us more than the amount their asking to get it cleared up. My current husband and I just decided to count our losses and pay it.
So, we have been making monthly payments to pay child support arrears for my son that lived with us and still does. We have little money, we make little enough to qualify for WIC and free lunches for the children at school....but we pay our support for my son who we support every day at home.
The "Good" news: Our income tax return was garnished to pay the rest, so now they have the money my ex-husband illegally received back, and my ex-husband was kind enough to get off of welfare, get a job, and stop the support order. EVEN Better: I am received a weekly payment via wage garnishment from him in the amount of $5.77 to pay off the $28,000 and some odd change he still owes in his own past due support! By the way, I am staying at home now because we have an infant. The income tax return they garnished was a tax refund from my current husbands wages. Yah, he isn't the biological father but still smiles after paying my ex-husbands fraud off.
AND...I will continue to support our children and facilitate their relationship with their father. I will be cordial. I will never speak an ill word about him, as they have a right to love him and see him as wonderful. Of course, the anger I feel eats me up inside at times!
Moral of the story: Women get screwed TOO!
Comments (13)
Oh my, me thinks I have heard this story many times before. You sneaky, sneaky whore. LOLOL
Well that's messed up.
My father owes quite a bit (I believe to the tune of 40K, more or less) of back child support for my brother and myself. My mom was like you, would not get in the way of our relationship with our father. It wasn't until after I decided on my own that I wanted nothing to do with him did I find out all the nasty little details. Now I haven't seen nor heard from him in 11 years. His loss.
My own father claimed "self employed" when my mother took him to court for child support. He ended up paying $117 a month based on his "income", so we struggled to get groceries while he, his new girlfriend, and, eventually, his other daughter lived in a nice house, drove dependable cars and so forth. At some point, my mom asked him directly for more and offered to take him back to court. His response was that he would get a lawyer and fight it. Yep. He would rather pay for a lawyer than contribute an couple extra dollars to raising his daughter. Brilliant! And he wonders why I don't stay in touch...
@gwacemom - What can i say. I took your advice and rambled on about it. It felt good to RANT!!! he he he he ha!
I can relate to the doing it on your own part. After awhile, the money isn't the issue, nor is it really needed because you learn to do it on your own for your children. I'm glad I don't need to depend on the undependable. My ex is approaching the $20,000 mark in arrears. Of course, he doesn't bother being a parent of any kind and has never laid eyes on my son and only once attempted to meet him, but backed out at the last minute. That's fine by us.
My husband has the opposite problem, we pay his child support, but his ex makes it extremely difficult for him to see or talk to his kids. I really admire you for letting their bio-dad be a parent, even if its just semi. I truly do believe that kids eventually catch onto to parents, um, selfish behavior. By the time the selfish parent realizes that they've been caught by kids they've understimated, the damage is done.
@care - Thanks for your response. I am sorry to hear about what happens to your husband with his kids. You are right, it isn't about the money, and you do learn how to get by. The children don't know, nor should they, about the support, and I am thankful their dad has been their for them emotionally, at least. I've given up on receiving it. I was just really ticked to have to pay support to him for my child that lives with me! Thanks again for your thoughts! Take Care.
@filtered_sunlight - How interesting. My dad did the same thing and we were broke! He then stalked me after I graduated to get my diploma, so he could turn it in to stop paying the small amount he was!
@TornadoChaser - It is sad that your dad let money come in between your relationship with him. My older brother's dad owed a bunch. They came after him to pay it when my brother was 26!....and he had to. I guess it will always be there. My ex-husband just seems to be one of those who can float with not paying a dime, fraud the system, and get away clean as a whistle!
Yeah we deal with child support issues both ways.....it really stinks and you cant do any more than make sure the children have what they need emotionally and physically. You are an amazing mom!!!
@amysfantastic5 - LOL, I made you famous. You owe me...
@amysfantastic5 - My father has many other issues besides money that dramatically affected us and lead to the break down of my parents' marriage when I was 5. If my father would work an actual job his wages would be garnished immediately, we've received one check before he figured it out and quit, so we figure that now if he's not in jail (which he's been a time to two) then he is dealing drugs (most likely) or working for cash somewhere. He has made much less effort then I have to continue to stay in contact until I decided it wasn't worth the effort when I was 11. It's been a heavy burden to know that my own father didn't care enough about my brother and I to keep in touch, even without the issue of child support.
@gwacemom - I owe you?? Who is this again (lol). Since my new found fame, I forgot exactly how I know you.
@amysfantastic5 - Let me remind you just HOW you know me...it involves that street corner I saved you from. LOLOL