A day in "Motherhood" (If you make it to the end of this----you get the prize for stamina!)
Last Wednesday was crazy. By midnight, two hours after my bedtime, I was weeping to my husband that I wanted to run away; however, I was to tired to pack, so I went to bed.
The day began just fine. I managed to get my 13-year old off to school without a melt-down, which is an accomplishment due to her being autistic and very rigid in her routine. If one thing isn't perfect in the morning, our world falls apart. However, she did great. My 9-year-old left for the bus an hour later. Of course, her departure took place after her little friend came to our house to meet her for the bus with her small dog who somehow got into our house and began chasing the cat! But hey, what is a little craziness in the morning to get the blood pumping. I preceded to take my 5-year-old to the dollar store to spend the money she got from the tooth fairy for her first tooth loss, and the trip was great. The baby didn't even try to crawl out of the cart or make any ear piercing shrieks in the store to get my attention and ease his boredom. We went to the grocery store without incident, came home, had lunch, and my 1-year-old amazingly went down for a nap! If you knew him, you would be applauding, as the child has maybe slept 3 hours since birth! I was having my lunch and thinking about how the day was a really good day. Then the phone rang.
The man on the other line stated he was the vice-principal of the high school and that he had my 15-year-old son on speaker phone. He preceded to explain that my (lovely, sweet talking, innocent) son was in trouble for sending profane text messages to another student at the school. He let me know what they said; however, I will spare any reader the detail, as I still am shocked to repeat his language. Well, it turned out to be some teenage drama that got out of hand, and although he felt my child to be a good child, he was to be suspended. Lovely, I thought and began contemplating all the horrible ways that I could punish him for the embarrassment and my utter shock that this child that I took so much care in raising to be a nice and respectful young man would do this. He is my sweetheart. I always brag that my teenager is so easy. He does everything he is told without argument and is just the sweetest guy to have around. Well, needless to say, I was freaked. I was a very obedient child and teenager and would have died at the thought of suspension.
I had a parent teacher conference at my 9-year-old's class to get to a bit later. My suspended son was home, so I left him to watch my 5 and 13 year old while I went to the conference with the baby and my other daughter. I am holding the baby, who is trying to get away so he can rummage through the classroom for yummy edible trash on the floor and my phone rings. It is my suspended son. Well, he can't find my 5-year-old. What? I told him to keep looking and I would be right there. I have to cut the conference short because all I can envision is needing to call the police and the preceding dramatic search for my child. What was she wearing. I cant remember. Oh no! She was just about to start kindergarten and now she is gone! I apologize to the teacher for my chaos and feel guilty for not having my focus on my 9-year-old, rush home, and there is my 5-year-old, alive and well. She thought it would be funny to hide under the bed!
We're having dinner. The baby finishes and precedes with his high pitched scream to advise me that my services are needed at his highchair IMMEDIATELY! I tell him he is fine and make an attempt to actually eat my dinner. He then decides to start banging his head into the back of his highchair making a loud crash with his skull on the plastic. My husband and I freak. Most parents probably wouldn't, but my 15-year-old was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome when he was four, my 13-year-old has mild autism, my 9-year-old was diagnosed with adhd two years ago, and I just want to put a child through school without an IEP. The baby's head banging, along with his screeching, and newest ability to stick his fingers into his throat to purposely gag himself has me worried! I proceed to call the nurse in a panic to see what I should do. Well, she, in her right mind, is not in the office at 7pm, so I leave a message.
Later that night, my 15-year-old appears with his finger nails painted black. BEAUTIFUL! So, I spent the rest of the evening crying to my husband. At that point, I felt I was in big trouble. I still have another 18-years to go, and they are gonna kill me. The activity all the time! The craziness of my home. So many personalities under one roof! So many different developmental needs to meet. Why so many issues (autism, adhd)? What have I done wrong? How am I going to continue. I want to run away! I just want to go pee by myself for once! I want to take a shower without leaving the shower door open so I can monitor my home for destruction in my 5-minute absence. I want a 20-minute shower! I don't want to deal with any more issues!
BUT.......I am also the mother to a group of the most colorful, funny, active, and loving children on earth. My son told he that he loved me to the end of the numbers when he was 5. I love that my 13-year-old is obsessively neat. I never have to clean her room. My 9-year-old cuddles with all of us. My 5-year-old is as smart as can be. She astonishes me with her questions. The baby, oh, the baby, he sure has figured out how to make his presence known in such a large and busy family! He is my heart! SO, I knew I would wake up the next day and do it all again. I will for the next 18, 20, 40 years! They are my children. They are my heart!
Has anyone ever felt like this?
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